This really isn’t the best time to be typing but this is the reason why I started blogging. I wanted to be totally honest, show the good, the bad and the ugly. The ups and downs and round and rounds. Well this is a round and round moment.
I have no filter. When people piss me off I go into defense mode (which for me is all guns blasting). The problem is that it doesn’t take much to piss me off. Things that other people can ignore I can’t. I feel outrage as opposed to curiosity. I don’t give people a chance to redeem themselves because in my mind they are already tried and convicted. It’s a get them before they get me attitude and it’s exhausting. I know it stems from my family. To this day we use sarcasm and denigration to try and control each other and protect our frail self esteems. It’s really not surprising that I am this way but how do I change if I’m trigger happy? Well in the GI Joe cartoons way back, GI Joe would say, “now you know and knowing is half of the battle.”(By the way I have been called the queen of clichés. Don’t get annoyed with me. I am annoyed with myself. It’s probably another defense mechanism so I don’t have to deal with my true feelings or discomfort about an issue.) So now that I know maybe I can change a little at a time. (Yeah that’s it.)
So this posting has taken me hours to write because I keep interrupting myself with racing thoughts that compel me to write them down or look them up right away. This is what I mean by round and round (see first paragraph). Everything gets into a circle of side activities (notes that must be written down, meds that must be taken, mommy duties that were forgotten and must be addressed, telephone calls, texts, spontaneous internet research, bathroom breaks, tv shows, reminder alarms, odd sounds, nostalgic and not so nostalgic thoughts, unpaid bills, how much money do I have left, what happened to the money I had, is it time to eat, what should I eat, gotta go to the grocery, I should make a list…) and finally, finally I remember what I was doing in the first place and return to it. If I’m not totally disgusted, exhausted, frustrated or uninterested I will finish it. Otherwise it gets added to the extensive round and round to do thoughts. I’m exhausted and I haven’t even gotten out of bed yet.