I wish I knew what was going on and why my mania is lasting this long. I am spending money left and right and in between the cleaning sprees that last for hours I have an insatiable craving for sweets and fried foods. I’m taking my meds but I could improve the timeliness of when I take them. I can’t stop looking at shopping websites and obsessing about the wrong kind of food. I start big tasks at home, putting up curtains, changing a toilet seat and handle, organizing drawers and cupboards and closets and bathrooms, etc. but then I think about something else that will only take a minute to complete, and I’m off chasing another carrot. I hope relief is on the way soon…
I am having a hard time with everything. My house is in disarray and I find myself starting projects and then moving on to something else before I finish the other ( I’m multitasking now). I started this post at 12 and now it is 1:30. I am going to have to keep this short as my head is about to explode with the racing thoughts and I have to accomplish something before I go back out. I’m still spending money I don’t have but at least it’s always for things we can use and have done without for a long time. My daughter is concerned that when something important comes up (like her class trip) I won’t have money to pay for it. I have put some money aside but it has been hard because I keep pinching from it. I have to pick one task to complete for today… ok I will wash my hair as it has a build up of products that are making it look dry and dull (but very soft to the touch.) Shoot! It’s time to pick up my daughter from band practice. Uh, when I get back that’s it. I do have to stop at the store and return/exchange a few things but I’ll do it tomorrow so my daughter doesn’t get upset that I bought the stuff in the first place. Mmmm that is cutting it close because tomorrow I have a full day… Either way I have to get going. Sigh! Bye for now…
I have to apologize for being gone so long. I’ve been overrun with responsibilities, racing thoughts, unmet obligations, depression, a man, money issues, mommy issues, daughter issues, issues with my mother and my sisters, car issues, health issues, house issues, prisoner in my own house issues, relative issues, anger issues, food issues, and hoarding issues just to name a few. So it’s been difficult at best to settle down and share.
I came back because I woke up this morning with my head about to explode from racing thoughts. I actually took my meds before I did anything else (well I went to the bathroom first). I couldn’t stand the thought of making another list and losing it so I decided to go online and try to make a payment on my daughter’s school trip using money I got to fix my car after an idiot side swiped me. I did consider getting an attorney just because the other driver pissed me off with his attitude and I wanted to hit him where it hurts (not his groin,) his wallet of course (and no I am not smiling as I type this). Luckily my cousin was in the car and got out with me. But I digress. I haven’t gone to the intended website yet because I need to calm down so I can concentrate and coming here just popped into my head.
I’m actually staring to feel better and am very glad that I remembered my beloved blog and how cathartic typing out loud is. I’m going to stop here because if I continue I will get anxious again.
This really isn’t the best time to be typing but this is the reason why I started blogging. I wanted to be totally honest, show the good, the bad and the ugly. The ups and downs and round and rounds. Well this is a round and round moment.
I have no filter. When people piss me off I go into defense mode (which for me is all guns blasting). The problem is that it doesn’t take much to piss me off. Things that other people can ignore I can’t. I feel outrage as opposed to curiosity. I don’t give people a chance to redeem themselves because in my mind they are already tried and convicted. It’s a get them before they get me attitude and it’s exhausting. I know it stems from my family. To this day we use sarcasm and denigration to try and control each other and protect our frail self esteems. It’s really not surprising that I am this way but how do I change if I’m trigger happy? Well in the GI Joe cartoons way back, GI Joe would say, “now you know and knowing is half of the battle.”(By the way I have been called the queen of clichés. Don’t get annoyed with me. I am annoyed with myself. It’s probably another defense mechanism so I don’t have to deal with my true feelings or discomfort about an issue.) So now that I know maybe I can change a little at a time. (Yeah that’s it.)
So this posting has taken me hours to write because I keep interrupting myself with racing thoughts that compel me to write them down or look them up right away. This is what I mean by round and round (see first paragraph). Everything gets into a circle of side activities (notes that must be written down, meds that must be taken, mommy duties that were forgotten and must be addressed, telephone calls, texts, spontaneous internet research, bathroom breaks, tv shows, reminder alarms, odd sounds, nostalgic and not so nostalgic thoughts, unpaid bills, how much money do I have left, what happened to the money I had, is it time to eat, what should I eat, gotta go to the grocery, I should make a list…) and finally, finally I remember what I was doing in the first place and return to it. If I’m not totally disgusted, exhausted, frustrated or uninterested I will finish it. Otherwise it gets added to the extensive round and round to do thoughts. I’m exhausted and I haven’t even gotten out of bed yet.
Today I am going to try and think about what’s good in my life. Yesterday my mother was a total b after weeks of being nice and what I suspect was biting her tongue. I’m so sick of this crap. Why Lord? My daughter says she would move with me to Japan. (She loves all things Japanese – the language, food, culture, anime, etc. – all self-taught.) I even applied for a job there teaching English. I know I’m losing it. How would I get my meds and appropriate medical treatment? I don’t even speak the language. But America has been pretty mean to me and people who look like me. So it’s not a new idea. When I was fresh out of college I wanted to go backpacking through Europe. Can’t do that when you’re mentally unstable and boy I wasn’t even diagnosed yet. Anyway I digress.
Yes what is positive in my life is the subject. Having a daughter who is beautiful inside and out; watching her grow up; praying with her; talking with her about boys and different situations; food, shelter and clothes on our backs; a car that I can pay insurance for; upswings that sometimes allow me to fix the mess I make when I’m depressed; a big bedroom I can hide in when necessary; people who love me and actually don’t put me down because of the disorder that I didn’t ask for; dreams and aspirations I hold onto even though I’ve repeatedly fallen on my face when I tried to pursue them; moments of clarity when I actually believe that I’m not a waste of space; upswings that make me feel like I accomplished something using all of the whirlwind energy to clean things up around the house and/or complete things on my to do list. See Tricia, it’s not that bad. I could be back in a psych ward or homeless shelter. But I’m not because I’m fighting to stay away from that. That is crisis mode.
Look at me now mommy; I’m actually happy. But I’m going back to bed. (Pretty much stayed up all night took my daughter to school at 5:30am, and went to the supermarket.) I have got to take a shower. I am offending myself. I will try extra hard today. Smell you later!
I’m becoming manic slowly but surely. My therapist is trying to teach me about my cycle. She has it almost down to the month! Today I did a lot of housework, a sure sign that my energy level is rising. Hopefully it will last long enough to reverse the chaos I created when I was depressed. The good thing is that with medication the depression hardly goes to suicidal thoughts and the manic hardly goes to crisis-developing overspending. My life is pretty good right now considering where I was before. Now all I need is to become independently wealthy and hire someone to give me a monthly stipend so I don’t become bankrupt. And I would also need a housekeeper to keep the house tidy when I’m too down to handle it. Wait I would also need a nutritionist to make sure I don’t eat a bunch of ice cream for dinner more than once or twice a month. And someone to keep track of my hygiene (a home health aide?) so I don’t walk around looking and smelling like I stuck my finger in an electrical socket and fell into a garbage can filled with fish bones and banana peels. Well… maybe I’m exaggerating a little bit but I really don’t need to make my life more complicated than it is. I wouldn’t mind having the money but I know it would mean more stress to me because I would have a hard time staying on a budget and not firing the accountant for not giving in to my pleas for additional funds each month. Then I would become really depressed after I lost all of the money. Whatever. I’m not expecting those issues to turn up any time soon. But life is good when you’re manic.
This is crazy. My daughter goes back to school tomorrow and I can’t handle the pressure. You would think that I’m the one going back to school. I don’t want to freak her out (she is looking forward to starting at a new school) but I am terrified. What if I can’t get her to school on time? What if I can’t get the money for her school activities? I have this grandiose idea that we can do a series of fund raisers to get the money for her to do school activities.
Why is Social Security taking so long to decide? I don’t know if I can make it. My mind is racing and my head hurts. Why do I feel like such a failure? I got duped into getting my daughter’s hair done professionally (by my mother who was going to pay for it) and now she doesn’t want to pay for it. The result? I had to pay and now my phone is turned off, I don’t have gas money and now I have to go back and ask my mother for money anyway because I can’t get through the first week of school without her help. And she puts me down and reminds me about what a failure I am because I “WON’T” get a job like other people with mental illness. I have worked on and off from the time I was fifteen to forty-five years old. I tried for 30 years to make it work. I was unstable because of my depression and hospitalizations and mood swings. I didn’t know I was bipolar until I was 48 years old.
I struggle with getting my medication calibrated and controlling my mood swings. I engage in reckless, life threatening behaviors not because I think it’s cool, but because I have not yet been able to control my impulses. I can go from 0 to 10 on the anger scale in a matter of seconds and before I know it I have done something stupid. My mother is a major trigger for me because she is a major source of my financial help (and don’t get me wrong I am grateful for that) but it comes with a price that I definitely would not put myself through if I could maintain a job. I would rather starve to death or live on the street (because I tried living at a woman’s shelter – believe me the street is better). The only thing that makes going back to the abuse worth it is my daughter. I want her to have as normal a life as possible and while my illness sometimes (okay a lot of times) gets in the way of that, I know that she is happier with me than she would ever be with the rest of my unstable side of the family. I think that her father would provide her with a better routine but at this time she needs her mother who she trusts to talk with about any situation she is going through.
I have people who tell me all the time what a good mother I am and how pleasant and intelligent she is. Don’t get me wrong it takes a village, but I make the major decisions about her life choices and spend the most time with her. (Her dad lives in a foreign country.) I will continue to fight to live another day because of the beautiful being that God has blessed me with. I want her to know that she can overcome her family history if it should ever lead to a new diagnosis in her lifetime. (She is diagnosed with ADHD.) The key is early diagnosis and a treatment plan. Also know your limitations. It is manageable like diabetes, high blood pressure and acid reflux.
I feel much better now.
I feel like crap. Mentally and physically. I want to hide under a rock. But I’ve been pushing through it. I finally did the dishes after a week and a half of using every dish and utensil in the house as well as disposable plates, cups and utensils. It took several hours but I did it and cleaned the kitchen. But we were late for a dr. appointment which made us late for the next appointment which made me late getting to my mother’s house. I’m just tired of trying to act like everything is cool. Tomorrow I’m booked until at least 7pm. I want my daughter to be successful at school so I’m running myself ragged attending open houses and other functions. My hope is that once school starts I can go back into my hole. I know that I am on the brink of exploding if I can’t get enough time for myself to regroup. I see my therapist on Friday which is good. I have been doing some serious skin picking and I know it’s because I can’t handle this stress. I have a crater that I’ve dug into my ear. I’m going to try and go to bed. This sucks big time.
I haven’t been able to write here in a while. Even though I wanted to. My mind and body were really out of sync. I ended up going to the emergency room about my back (I fell off my bed and after a couple of days in pain, I could barely walk.) After some heavy medication my recovery sped up. I still have back pain but I’ll just add sciatica to my list of back issues. So you can imagine the stress I’ve been under. My foot has not completely healed after the surgery so I can only where this one particular pair of open toe (and open back) slip on shoes. It swells up pretty much every day after walking so I elevate it (even when I go to sleep) and sometimes even apply ice if it’s really painful. Oh yeah and I have to go get an MRI on my back because when they took an x-ray they found something going on with my lower spine. Great.
So I was having trouble coping with the stress (my daughter going back to school soon, trying to make a dollar out of 15 cents, etc.) and it was coming out in outbursts of anger and bad behaviors. My Lamictal has since been increased so I am a little sleepy throughout the day. Other than that I’m trying not to get overly involved with my daughter’s new school because I have already embarrassed myself (and her) since I can’t keep my mouth shut when I’m about to go into my depressive phase. I’m doing so well I could pinch myself. Not!
My goal is to have this school year run as smoothly as possible and let my daughter handle her business like she wants to and should. I don’t need the stress/trigger of getting involved in every little detail so why is it so hard to let go?
So yesterday I woke up at 6 o’clock in the morning after I had a dream that I was jumping out of the way of a speeding car that was trying to hit me. I landed on the ground and was rolling to further get out of the way. Well in that split second I rolled across and off of my bed (in real life). I landed on my knees but not before I had hit my night stand (which I had previously turned sideways to use as a TV stand) and scrapped a bunch of skin off of my back. I actually had to peel the skin off of the inside of my pajama top! I was really out of it and had to stay there for a minute while I figured out what had just happened. I was also in pain. Anyway my back is bruised and sore and I can’t sit up with anything touching the lower part.
The rest of this entry somehow just got erased and I don’t feel like typing it again. Good morning.